Gettin’ your summer sexy on…
So I was at work yesterday, and I turn to my boy Beans and announce that I’m going to get a 6-pack. After I went to the fridge and brought out 6 heinekens(gots to love hedge fund life…), I said seriously that I was going to carve out a little sexy Webster’s(get it, definition!) for the summer. Girls are always telling me of their dissapointment when they see my stomach because they for some idiotic reason think i should have abs. Well now, daddy has decided to give back…cuz lord knows I don’t like giving back in other ways. Plus, I can blog about it and as you can tell my material is dryer than a wet t-shirt contest in the desert.
I think I made mention of a wet t-shirt contest so this is not gratuitous...
Thing is, I’ve always been a hater of abs. I used to go out of my way to avoid doing sit-ups until I noticed that core strength is actually needed if you can’t convince girls they always need to be on top because you injured your back in ‘Nam. I once had abs, in my sophomore year of college, but then I had an epiphany. You ever notice how dudes with abs always find an excuse to take their shirt off ? The keg’s empty? Let me pop this off and see what I can do…Wait, you have a tattoo, so do I ! And I’ll take my shirt off to show you the tattoo on my leg! You remember those guys right ? Well, I swear if I didn’t come to one day at a party playing Beirut and asked myself “What the Hell is my shirt doing off?” I had become the type of dude I despised, the type of steak head I’d cut to shreds on the blogosphere, the proverbial chief.
I love the Sitch, but he's the guy I never wanted to be...
So I said no more! I promptly challenged my roommates that I could gain 20 lbs. in two weeks. 80 chicken parms from Hoagie Haven, 14 straight meatball subs at 3am, and countless beers drank dominating the tables and I went from 178 to 195. Case closed. I never looked back…
The way I see it, as a guy you have 2 main ways to consistently attract girls out of your league. You can either have a stomach like the Situation or you can have a personality. One or the other. If you have both, well you’re Usher and have so much sex people legit believe you have a problem. So I’ve always thought that having a six-pack was basically announcing to the world that you do not have a personality. Like, who wouldn’t choose to read a couple books, be quick-witted, and hilarious over doing workouts that always have the words insanity or the letter x in them and taking the bun off your hamburger while sipping on a Michelob light. I believe in Man’s basic rationality and no one would make that choice. Me, I just watch alot of reality tv and talk about how I’m too lanky to dance to techno. Throw in a weird t-shirt or other properly constructed gimmick and bingo bango you can have a shot at a hot girl without needing to lift up your shirt.
So why the change of heart? I don’t know…maybe its a part of my late-20′s crisis. 6 months until my 30th birthday has me sporting a so-hawk(suttle fro-hawk), wearing skinnier and skinnier jeans, and flying all-over the world. I guess this is sort of just the next natural path, huh?
I’m also one of those people who loves to do something no one thinks he can do. That’s how I get my jollies. I watched MJ’s Hall of Fame speech which everyone thought was petty and was in awe. Literally, everything he has ever done was based on the sort of childish- self doubting-yet arrogant competitiveness that I ‘ve always had(although clearly 1/1,000,000 the Two Three). So why not this challenge ? I figure I’ll give myself until July 4th weekend when the summer body inspection officially begins. I’ve already consulted the only guy I know with a six pack(well the only guy I know thats not Asian and has freakish rice metabolism) to help me out. Pocket Muscle, I am your canvas…turn me into this….
From this….
Sneakily chubby but not impossible...
I’ve somehow roped my doorman Sav and my friend Ms. Walnuts into this thing. Lets do this…
Why I can no longer fill out brackets ….
She wanted the answer sheet...
So got an email the other day from my friend Akan aka ‘”the cat”. She was tired of her husband giving her the wrong answers so she did what any self-respecting person would do: she came to the answer key. Well ok, I used to be the answer key. I’ve come to the conclusion that I peaked in 2005. That year , I was leading two separate pools on the Morgan Stanley trading floor(one by the credit group, one by the government bond group, and yes I’m 10% douche for mentioning that ). Two separate pools with two different champions going into the final.
I was Mike,with the T follow through against Utah in game 6. That was how I should have went out, thats how I want to be remembered. But now, I’m corrupted. I’ve been a college hoops junky since I was 9. Over that many years , you built up random rules, random hate, random stories about Arizona state girls, that totally make me scrap the basketball genius that I’ve amassed in favor of idiotic emotional attachments…
1) Kansas has boned me (and pretty much every junky) so many times that I can’t ever pick them. And now they have Bill Self which is like adding salt water to cool a nuclear reactor….wait, no one would do that right ?
2) I normally pick Florida to go far cuz I sat behind their cheerleaders in New Orleans one year and it looked like this….
Gator Effing Bait
3) I talk Wake Forest into being my sleeper team because I think its possible they can channel their inner Randolph Childress and straight go off on a run.
4) I pick against Cincinatti because I hated Bob Huggins
5) I pick against Kansas State because I really hated Bob Huggins
6) I pick against West Virginia because I still hate Bob Huggins
7) I use the “Taylor” rule which states that if I am a fan of team A, and I know that said team A blows, I can always pick against any team B such that team B has lost to said blowing team A. Also knicknamed the Tenneesee or the Eagles rule.
The “sweet memories” rule which says that you can pick any school which you associate with a sweet memory. For me, I pick teams like UConn because I got an HJ in my lime green Toyota Tercel when i visited there my sophomore year. Why is that sweet ? Because no man deserves an HJ when owning a lime green Toyota Tercel, not even the dark chocolatey one…
Ladies, My Tercedes! Fit 4 in the Back, Two if you're fat
So ya, my friend is pretty much screwed. I’m pretty sure I have my man-crush Tom Izzo leading a charge to the title. Good luck with that one…
DC
As the girl brain turns….
I guess we have another episode of “As the girl brain turns”. I ‘ve written before about the sometimes inexplicable things girls do. This time, its not necessarily super crazy, I just don’t see the clear angle like putting on a play to propose to the waitress.
Here are the facts:
About 4 months ago, me and my Geezy got our high society on and went to a fundraiser at the Moma. There, armed with a bow tie and a dream, I proceeded to try to convince all the girls there that I was the right kind of guy to bring home to daddy…assuming daddy doesn’t still carry a Dukes of Hazard lunch box and have an extra hook on his pickup for unwanted guests. I proceeded to talk to one and introduced her to my boy Geezy. I thought she was the type of girl to build a team around. She could create her own shot(wore the living crap out a tight white gown), shoot the mid-range(liked to laugh at Geezy’s terrible jokes), and be a lock-down defender(had a booty that you’d give up your 401k to see her do foot-fires). Even though I was in love, I think she felt Geezy(this chick was 5’11 and Geezy is “oh my god, you’re so tall” tall) so I kind of played the background .
High Society pimpin...
Geezy gets her number and they go out on a date. Geezy, who I’ve written about before, sees her and thinks she’s too thick for him because she doesn’t look like an alter boy. No harm no foul, they just say their goodbyes and go on about their lives.
Fast forward 4 months and Geezy gets a text out of the blue from this chick….”I hope your a doing well. I have a girl I really want to introduce you to. You interested ?”
WWGD(What would Geezy do ?)
Of course I demanded that he agree to this. First, he owes me like 5 girl assists since I’ve been like John Stockton to his Karl Malone. Second, as you can tell, I need blog material and you can’t make this stuff up. Why would a girl who you never called back want to introduce you to her unbelievably hot yet somehow still available friend ? (hahaaaaa). Well of course, she wouldn’t would she ?
Here are my theories:
1)she has a 6’8 friend(cuz this chick was 5’11 herself so i don’t think she would have thought normal height was the reason they didn’t work out)
2) She is exacting revenge on Geezy by setting him up with a stage 8 clinger who compares favorably to one of the wookies on Jersey Shore
3) She is a girl so I should stop trying to guess
Here is the analysis of my boy the Mare(aka the v-neck sweater ) who is sort of like the wisest dude I know when it comes to these things…
“wow, wow, wow. first of all she is 6’5″ and looks like this”
Anyone ? I really don’t have the faintest. Like who would go out with a guy , not hear back from him, but still think enough of him to set him up with a friend. That doesn’t happen unless that friend has just gotten out of a relationship with Ike Turner or you’re paying her back for that time she gave your sorority formal date a bathroom hand-job right before dinner was served. Please…someone enlighten me. Ladies ?
Are boys really better than girls ?
So I decided randomly that I would start taking classes at the gym. Ya, I know, its pretty much the most limp-wristed thing a guy can do..blah, blah, blah. I used to crack on those people to, just like I used to crack on people who used the elliptical machine and people who ate salads and people who wore tight jeans(now I’m a salad-eating, skinny-jean wearing, elliptical-using son-of-a-gun). I’ll spare you the details, but dammit do I have way more respect for women as athletes. Like, I’m shaking like a Polaroid picture when its time for planks and this girl in front of me is singing along to David Guetta. Kill me. So I’m telling one of my boy’s this and we bring up our age-old argument….
He swears up, down, left, right, and center that he would absolutely beat Maya Moore in a game of 1 on 1. I’m a junkie so I watch some women’s hoops here oand there. Like , I get it, women’s basketball is a different sport. The men’s game is played above the rim and the women’s game is played mercifully below it. The men’s game has fade-aways and double clutch reverses, and the women’s game has the little hop set shot and actual shot blocking with your arms straight up. But don’t get it twisted, Maya Moore is a baaaaaaaaad mama jama. Like she plays like a guy(and I mean that as a compliment). And my boy still swears up and down. Like I can’t get my hands around this cuz he is so sure. Everyone on both sides of this debate is certain….here is the tale of the tape….
My boy
Height: 5’11
Weight: 193
Playing Experience: 3 years in college on JV and varsity squad
Skills: Can get into the lane at will, good mid-range, Turn on a dime spin move, like a running back with the ball in his hands…
Famous Quote: (in response to a coach calling our team “suburban”) ” You like that suburban game ?”(after breaking some kids ankles the next play)
Current Shape: He is busy slanging MBS at a prominent investment bank. He plays basketball 2 times a week. He now commits the mortal sin of being a guard wearing 2 knee pads.
The best way I could describe my boy is like this….
My boy's dopelganger
I would call him the male Shawn Johnson but I’m not 100% sure Shawn Johnson is actually a chick looking like that. So in summation, we have a former decent college player 8 years out of college and playing a couple times a week. And now for the challenger….
Ms. Moore
Height: 6’0
Weight: 170
Playing Experience: Player of the year for the 2-time defending national champion lady huskies. Best player on arguably the best women’s team and possibly greatest team of all time. (ya , i said it….)
Current Shape: She spends her nights dominating women’s basketball.
Extra points:
My boy swears that there is no way she could stay in front of him. And part of me gets that. The good lord blessed women with alot of things but lateral quickness was certainly not one of them. Like I always like to say, girls just love tearing their acls.
Point for dudes on that one. I contend that Maya can move like a guy but I could be wrong. Thing is, Maya wouldn’t miss a jumper and her being 6’0 means that my boy isn’t blocking her shot(set short or not). My boy is strong but Maya is 170 and probably has dumps like a truck, truck truck, thighs like what, what what….My boy claims if he’s wrong and she is better than he thinks, he’ll win his way. When he says this he points demonstritively towards his elbow. Hmm, if he’s talking about clocking a girl, I can’t really say he’d lose. But I’m gonna require officials at this game so he can’t , you know, beat up on a chick.
We also have precedent in this matter….Venus and Serena Williams were popping off about how they could beat a guy ranking 100 or worse on the mens tour. Now they are the two best players in the female game by far, so similar to Maya, but again they are playing against a man who is a professional which my friend is not. Still, they found a guy ranked like 140 and he absolutely beat their asses. Like wasn’t even close. There are apparently certain things a guy can do that they just couldn’t handle.
Conclusion: I have no clue. I really need to make this happen preferably with Destiny’s Child singing in the background. Maybe if I marry Diani Taurasi like i intend to….she can hook it up as my wedding gift.
K.Y.S. Friday’s # 3
It’s Friday, so yet again its time to tell someone to jump in shark water and swim. Today, I’d like to give a warm K.Y.S. to the good people who make those new Miller Lite commercials. Lets talk about this one in particular….
Now they’ve gone to far. As my boy “the v-neck sweater” loves to say, “the best gimmicks are the ones your boys rip on you the most about.” Truer words were never spoken. I used to think those dudes who wore the banana hammock at the Vegas pools were idiots but dammit if they didn’t have 80 girls coming over to them giggling hysterically. Gimmicks work. And look, we have a million reasons to hate Europeans like how they smell or their insistence of their cultural superiority. But alas, the Europeans are dead on when it comes to swimwear.
I’ll never forget the day. I was going to Vegas the next day and my boy “Woodie” calls me over and says he has something for me that will absolutely kill in Vegas. I arrive and he throws me a pair of Penguin bathing shorts that look like they are meant for a 6 year old. I go to the bathroom and throw them on and refuse to come out of the bathroom. Woodie’s girlfriend “L-boogy” demands I come out. I step out and she literally falls to the floor I look so good. Apparently, long chocolaty legs with no muscle definition look good in short shorts. And from there, a star gimmick was born. I’m telling you, I had girls running from different states to come talk to me. Had 3 girls before I even walked into the pool. And as V-neck sweat aptly said, my boys wouldn’t even walk near me(at least until I had 3 girls in the cut).
In short shorts glory...
Here is the thing….In a beach/pool setting there are 2 things that attract women. Abs or a personality. Since I love fried chicken and rice, I’ve decided to go with personality. And short shorts are like a road sign saying “Look I have personality, and also look at my junk”. I’m just saying….stop hating Miller Lite. The short shorts gimmick is alive and well.
DC
The Game Hasn’t Changed in Years…
I always remember my parents telling me that music today isn’t like the music back in the day…like somehow man only now concerns itself with “Bump n Grind” and “Birthday Sex”. I don’t buy it. I’m pretty sure evolution had nothing to do with man’s innate desires. Women really haven’t changed that much. They like to look good, hate on each other, and lure men into doing mind-blowingly retarded things in the simple pursuit of booty. Men, come on that’s easy. We do anything in pursuit of the opposite sex, whether that’s putting up with annoying finance jobs so we can afford Lisa Louis Vuitton or work out at NYSC 80 hours per week so that Petey the local bartender notices you(don’t ever say Dark Choc doesn’t look out for his fun boy fans).
Why am I bringing this up ? Little known fact, but guys love Christmas/Holiday songs way more than they are willing to admit. I will sit in my room and listen to the greatest Christmas song of all time on repeat while trying to decide where I’m going so that there is no possible way I’m in NYC for New Year’s(I failed this year of course, sweet jinx). So the other day, I was listening to the radio in a cab and this song comes on ….
Look at the lyrics and try to separate the smooth innocence. I’m pretty sure whats going on is a musical “cave man”. You know, the exact thing that happens at every dimly lit bar, frathouse, or elementary school classroom. Guy meets girl, guy and girl get drunk, guy does his best Johnny Cochran impression to convince her he isn’t the scumbag he actually is in order to bed her….I mean this is line for line from the song(see if this sounds familiar from the better looking sex):
Girl: “The neighbors might think? (They will judge the ever-loving crap out you, your boots, and your walk of shame)
Girl: “Hey whats in this drink ? (A carefully made roofie punch of Everclear and peach schnapps)
Clearly, the Dean has a response:
Dean:”Beautiful, what’s your hurry”(Roofie punch takes 10-15 minutes for max effectiveness)
Dean: “No cabs to be had out there” (Haha, ya no cabs in major cites…none at all)
Dean: “Never such a blizzard out there”(Seriously, its a matter of public safety that we cuddle)
By the sound of him, this storm was biblical. I guess the song shouldn’t have been called “It’s cold outside” but “Its’ world ending snowing outside and I’m the last guy on Earth”. So ya, next time someone tries to tell you how messed up your generation is, just point to Uncle Dean who was cave-maning girls when your parents were listening to music.
-Choc
K.Y.S. Fridays # 2
It’s first time but certainly not the last time that this person will be the subject of a special K.Y.S. wish on Friday. He is supposed to be smart but is very prone to monumental brain farts every once in a while. He’s tall, possesses a sneakily quick first step off the dribble, and absolutely hates junk in the drunk. I’m sure you just guessed two things: one being that this person is me and second that one of the previous statements is false.
So I’m down in Buenos Aires right now while all my friends are freezing their collective balls off in NYC. Point- Chocolate. I’m not sure how I pulled this off but I’m pretty sure it should be illegal. So while I’m in BA, I decided to take las clasas de Espanol(u see how I can switch it up !) so I didn’t have to tell people I spend 5 weeks going to Tequila or Shampoo and telling girls that I am in fact Dwayne Wade. Honestly, it was great and I recommend it to anyone especially if you travel by yourself because I learned that Sweden randomly pays for their hot girls(ok, everyone) to take language classes abroad.
On one particular Friday, I was out chatting up some girls during our first break. I noticed that one girl had something on her arm. I thought it was like a shirt design but then I realized that she was wearing short-sleeves. I looked closer and these markings were some intense scars that sort of spelled something out. Something in me told me to shut the F up and keep it moving, but I guess the redbull the night before made my mouth move and say “What the heck happened to your arm?”. The crowd of girls all go silent and look at me. Aww hell no. Dammit. I think I touched on something I shouldn’t have but I let her speak. She tells me that its rough out there in the streets of Buenos Aires(completely and totally false).
I thought MTV was kidding about cutters...
Instead of leaving it at that, I decide to press. I ask her where it happened….more silence and death stares. I’m in so deep but I can’t help it. Is this girl really a “cutter” ? Like do those really exist? I remember some girl on the Real World called herself a cutter but I thought that was mtv making stuff up. I have some questions though…
1) If you are a cutter, shouldn’t you wear long sleeves ? I know we were in the South American summer but its like all people with messed up diseases hide them right ? Anorexic people wear baggy clothes and what not. I feel like she’s breaking the 1st rule of cutting…
2) If you had to wear short sleeves, you think you would avoid making elaborate designs so that someone curious(who maybe has a love for art) wonders about the era which inspired the work? I figured a cutter would just slash away. Like “Bobby called me fat! Slash!”, “Dammit, I hate that Sammi Sweatheart! Swipe”. If you’re gonna be sitting there coming up with the next Sistine chapel then maybe you just need to buy some canvas and stop trying to kill yourself….
Whatever, apparently the girls who were around her didn’t see my points. Like, it was my fault that this girl was a cutter. Needless to say, no girl spoke to me for the next two weeks in that damn school. So yes, I get a K.Y.S. on this Friday. Not really for calling out a cutter, just for not realizing that I may come off a bit jerkish in front of girls. To myself: Go start the car and leave the garage closed.
My bizzle….
–DC
New York vs. Buenos Aires #1-Nightlife
It’s true. New York is def the city that never sleeps. You can party til 4am , wake up to see the titans of industry in 3 piece suits at 7am, and watch the models and park avenue moms roll into Equinox by 11. But damn. Buenos Aires may sleep for about half the day, but that cuz they are partying their freiken balls off the other half. You catch an early dinner at 9 ? Clubs won’t even really get going until 2:00 ? We left Shampoo the other night and we were the only ones leaving…and it was bright morning outside. Last night at Tequila, this was the scene @ 5:00 am…
Tequila
If you can ignore the seizure lights, you can see the heads in there. I’m also looking right into the camera but probably tough to realize it. Lets just say the BA light scheme isn’t really what’s up for your boy DC. At this point, I’m scoring nightlife a tie. Ties are cool, Mcnabb loves ties, and so do I. Girls are insane looking here, but I’m also able to waltz into the best clubs here while in NYC I wouldn’t put up w/ the doorman nonsense even if Rihanna was in the club lying on the ground saying the only way she would get up was if a 6’4 awkward, blogging, nervously sweating, boat-shoe wearing, african warrior came to pick her up. So I’m gonna leave that as a push cuz NYC girls can knock down an open jumper too. Speaking of doormen….
K.Y.S. Fridays
I feel like Friday is a great day to tell people they should just end it. I’m saying, this is like a morbid shout-out. If you mess up during the week, you end up here. So without further ado, i introduce K.Y.S. Fridays…
1) My boy L. My boy L should go play in traffic for coming all the way to Buenos Aires and missing out on the best night of the week because his fade looks like Waldo’s. I told him to not even bother going to the barber. I’m pretty sure South America gives out mohawks and kisses(I ain’t mad but I will never get used to guys kissing guys on the cheek to say hello, that may need a seperate KYS Friday). Thats it. He is the type of guy to get a haircut every 3 days but do you risk it in the land of this ? No clue, but he needs to K.Y.S. The club was darker than your boy dark chocolate. No chance anyone would have seen it.
Fade to never get laid
Mika : You are butter on my breakfast toast…..in Buenos Aires
no words needed
So after a few days in my favorite city, you know what absolutely is my favorite moment to this point ? The perfectly-skinned talent walking around ? Nope. Eating steak after steak after steak for like 10 bones ? Nope. These all pale in comparison to a concert where I saw my new favorite artist: Mika. Ya, he sings like his skinny jeans are a bit too tight but I’m saying the guy is a brilliant man. Once in a while, a man comes along and gives us a song that speaks to a generation or idea . And that idea my loyal readers is our love for all things ‘thickness”. Probably the only chocolate stereotype I remotely embody besides my addiction to fried chicken is my penchant for a little jeezy in my beezies. I’m saying, thin girls are dope too. Athletic girls, yep. But sometimes, often after 10 shots of Jameson and 10 makers mark/ginger ales, all you need is a couple of sloppy beer hats peaking out of a tube top and someone who tells the cabbie to stop at Pizza 33 before we go back to her place.
And who better to speak to us then Mr. Mikka. Sad I had never heard of him but thats more because I’m not cool as cool as I used to be. I mean, if you want to get your statutory hump or your pick-pocket on, a Mikka concert in Buenos Aires is the place to go(we watched this guy wait for girls to jump around and then just lift stuff out…no we didn’t say anything cuz we didn’t know if his boys were behind us with the shiv, I know I’m a bihatch). I’ve never seen so many 16 year old girls in one place since I stumbled upon R. Kells afterparty in the A one night. And they are country strong too. When they jumped around, they literally tossed me(6’4 , lanky , awkward, but with some sneaky woop ass ) and my boy (6’12 and 250lbs) around like rag dolls. That shaking in my camera work isn’t the crack addict shake, thats me jumping for my life. Enjoy my new homeboy singing “Big girls you are beautiful”, because yes they really are….
